Thursday, August 16, 2012

Entry Number 13

For a long, long time I stuck my head in the sand and denied to myself that I would get diabetes.  The warning signs were all there, but it was all too hard.

It is still all too hard on many days, but I did end up with diabetes, and to have hindsight now is just not worth the effort.

When I first went to John, he felt that I was scared as I was being faced by my mortality, but I didn't think that was entirely right.  Sure I don't want to die, but then there are days when I honestly think, I can not do this for another 20 or 30 years, sometimes even another year or two seem too much.  I just don't have the strength.  I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not contemplating taking my life or anything like that.  But there are days when it is all too hard.  Of course there are lots of wonderful things to live for as well, and they are what keep me going.

When I saw John this week, I started talking about some of the things I have dealt with over the years. Some of the things put into boxes, tied up tight and that I thought I had dealt with.  As I started listing them out, John commented that he didn't think I was necessarily worried about my mortality.  That maybe he got that wrong (nice to think he can admit he could be wrong, I like that about him).  He now thought I just didn't have any more room to deal with any more things.  So I think that means I need to deal with some of the other crap I have buried in boxes in my soul, so that I can have the strength to deal with this HUGE life changing thing that is happening now.  Don't get me wrong, it is not as if I have had a shit life, but I have always taken on emotional burdens, always had a sense of having to try harder to please, to be the best all the time and then there is the normal family bits and pieces that bob up in your life.  I've got 57 years of that to talk about.

He must think the same thing because suddenly he was talking about a couple of more visits than he originally thought I would need.

But you see, it is scary to deal with things, things buried.  There is the possibility that they will have grown huge in the dark.  I suppose that there is also the possibility of them having shrunk, maybe I should focus on that instead.

Then there is the whole, I need to get this right mentality I seem to be having.  I know this is not a test, that talking to John is not about me telling him the things that he wants to hear, it is about telling him the things I don't want to share.  Or at least I think that's the right thing, it is not a test that I can fail, is it?

But you see I am scared.  Not scared because I am ashamed of anything, but scared that if I start crying I may never stop.  It is so much easier to just push things down, and then further down, rather than deal with them.  Why does life have to get so complicated?

Today has been a slow drift back to the Dark Side of the Moon, and you know, sometimes I seem to be quite comfortable there!  God knows what that says about me, and thankfully those days are few and far between.


  1. How I recognise this. There is also a part of me that believes that if I let the things out of the basement of my mind, and show the 'real me', it will be too much for everyone around me. Not rational, but I don't think the thoughts that hide in our heads are.
    I am really happy that your psychologist can recognise (and admit) that he might be wrong. That strikes me as the mark of a really good health professional.

    1. I kind of like that about him as well. Even with his black polo skivvy and long hair, there is something really human about him, that his quirkiness is actually charming although he looked really tired and I nearly started my 'mothering' on him. I resisted though - lol. Thanks again for being so supportive and honest with me I really do appreciate you taking the time to care. xxx

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  3. There aren't words for how this posts resonates with me. It's how I have felt for the past 2 years. I didn't have emotional room for this. I don't have the mental strength for the pain. There are SO many issues, so many things that have happened in a short life (I'm just about to turn 37), and I feel like I've had enough to last me a while.

    I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I know I feel the same about crying. Like if I let myself, I just don't know if I will stop.

    My hope for you is that soon enough your diabetes is less of an issue. Less of a focal point. I do actually believe that that is possible.

    1. While I love that this post resonates with you, I hate it too, as it means you are in a similar space and it is not a good space most of the time. I so hope there is hope on the horizon for you my love, you deserve a relief from pain and a lessening of stress. You are doing so well with losing weight and staying positive at the moment, it heartens me when I know there is hope for you as it means there is hope for me as well. xxx