Entry Number 26 - Trying to Find The Bright Side

Last night as I sat and thought about giving myself my Insulin injection, I took the time to reflect on the positives.

1. Only 1 needle per day (at this point anyway).

2. The insulin can be injected at room temperature, so less likely to sting

3. I only have to give it to myself at bedtime (at this point anyway), which means I can now think about going out for breakfast or dinner without carrying it with me.

4. If I do have to start giving it to myself more often, I don't have to carry the cooler bag with me, so it is more discrete.

5. I don't have to rush home to make sure I have enough time before my evening meal to give myself an injection.

It is still stressing me about the weight gain that is inevitable, but at least there is a slight new spin happening in my head, which is good.

So I won't put up a dark moon today, nor a bright orange one, in fact I will leave it blank, and take the pressure off there as well.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Entry Number 25 - The Insulin Regime Starts Tonight

So putting a half glass full on the whole going onto Insulin, at least I now no longer have to do 2 injections a day plus the evening Insulin as I am off the Byetta as it did nothing for me - no weight loss and only marginal dropping of my BGLs at the beginning.

So before retiring to the Land of Nod tonight I will start my Lantis Insulin injection at 10ml, then I need to check my BGL in the morning prior to breakfast, after 4 nights of 10 ml (and the subsequent morning checks), if it is not going down, I need to increase to 12, then 14, then 16, then 20, then 24, then 28 etc until I start to get some results.

So the waiting (no pun intended and of course it would be spelt differently) game begins.  Will this work?  One can only hope.

When I saw John (my pysch) on Monday I told him I was struggling with feeling broken and fragmented, I feel like I no longer have the ability to see the glass as half full.  He found one for me though, many years ago there would not have been medication for Diabetes - so true.

Still this feeling of being fragmented is a worry.  I am so scared that if I let one little shard go I will fracture into a million pieces.

I am sure that attending counselling will help in the long run, but right about now it feels like I have just lifted the corner of Pandora's Box and all that is within will coming bursting out at a rate that is too fast for me to cope with.

Suppression may lead to depression, but I'm sort of scared that non suppression will lead to insanity!

I'd like to welcome my 2 new followers, Wanderlust and Melissa, 2 wonderful cyber friends who along with The Elephant's Child send me so much love that it brings tears to my eyes - thanks ladies.  And of course there is my Mum (Mimsie) who has always been there for me.

Today I had my injections into my back, hopefully they will bring me some relief and I can get back to the pool and walking.  I expect though that the cortisone will increase my readings for a few days as well.

Tonight we had the lovely Low GI Chicken Curry from this post - it really is delicious.

Thanks for popping by and sharing you love and support, I am really trying to get the golden moon back here again xxx

Entry Number 24 - What's The Point?

I will forewarn you, this will be a Dark Side of the Moon post, it will also be somewhat painful to write.  I know it will be teary post, because my eyes are already brimming with tears.

What's The Point - of trying to eat well, of giving up Coke, of injecting myself twice daily?  Nothing it seems as my readings are going sky high again and now I will be on insulin.

What's The Point - of even trying at all, when this disease chews you up and spits you out like a piece of discarded waste?

What's The Point, well the point is I am trying to live without my feet being amputated, without going blind, without getting sicker and sicker.

But, shit, I am trying and it is not working.

I am still classed as uncontrolled, and too right I am, I am uncontrolled with frustration and anger.  I am really to smash something, but What's The Point?  It changes nothing.

My weight is already heading back up because I am off the arthritis medication that gave me constant diarrhoea, nearly 5kgs in 3 months, and I am trying to eat less and eat well, What's The Point ... it makes no difference at all.

So now, it is recommended I have a gastric sleeve operation, permanent surgery to reduce the amount I am eating, because NO ONE IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION BELIEVES ME!!

They all think I overeat, it's bloody obvious, they do that smile when I try and tell them, you know the one, the right She's Kidding Herself smile.

And just to sweeten the deal for me, now I am on insulin and that makes you put on weight.  BLOODY WIN WIN SITUATION THIS ISN'T.

But somehow I am supposed to smile and get on with my life.



So here is the Dark Moon, and it is likely it will be here for a while now.

And a side note to my Mum, please don't call me to talk about this, if and when I want to talk I will bring it up, I just need some time to sit with this.  Your support is always appreciated, and I love that you are there for me, but I need time to process this, please.

Entry Number 23

There maybe some good news for me on the horizon. I will be undergoing a pain management treatment in a couple of weeks, and if it works, my lower back and leg pain could be gone.

This will allow me to exercise a little more, and should coincide with our local pool opening for summer as well.  So if I can lose a little more weight that will help bring down my BG levels.

But most of all, reducing my pain, thus reducing some of my stress, will also help my BG levels as it is a known fact that stress can impact on your levels.

I will be off to see the Prof in a couple of weeks as well, and I am sure my three monthly test will most likely show a higher level than last time.  I know he won't be pleased, but I will plead my case and see if we can avoid going on insulin for just a little while longer, hoping that getting back into the pool and having less pain will work their magic.

Walking out of the pain specialist yesterday I felt so much lighter, so here is the lovely rising full moon, lets hope I can keep in the lightness of being frame of mind for the rest of this week at least.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Entry Number 22

So the week from hell has moved into another week.  I have been so stressed that I just haven't even bothered to test my BG levels, I know they will be high.

But I must start again, I see the Prof in a little over a month, so better have something to take with me, although there will be the 3 monthly blood test which will give him an overview.

I really hope he doesn't add insulin to the mix, but what will be will be I suppose.

Will post some new recipes next week, and try and be here on a more regular basis.

The Dark Side of the Moon is alive and well, but there is a glimmer of hope as tonight my anxiety levels seem to be somewhat lower - doing all I can to make them get lower and lower.

Thanks for popping on by. xxx

Entry Number 21

God I hate needles, sure, I am getting better at just doing them, but I hate them nonetheless!!!!

This morning's needle was so painful when I was trying to push it in, I ended up having to pull it out and find another place.  There were tears and everything.  I haven't had tears for weeks.  Just when I thought I was moving forward, I have taken a big step back.

All in all it has been a stressful weekend and this just was the cherry on the cake, a big black rotten cherry!

So tonight I am off to give myself my night injection and hoping that I find a nice pain free place, no pain going in, no pain during and no pain after.

I feel like all the skin (and whatever is just under your skin) is bruised and sore and it is making me sad.

I fell off the wagon big time this weekend as well, Chinese for tea last night (as the family was over and it was the easiest to do) and then out for lunch today and nothing on the menu was diabetes friendly.  Then dealing with some personal family issues has had me craving chocolate in a huge way, so far I have stayed strong, but I did have some sough dough bread with real butter and cheese as an afternoon snack.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully the start of a great week.

One can only hope.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Entry Number 20

The last week or so have been up and down, I have fallen off the wagon (deliberately) which is not good, but I only have myself to blame on that one.

I really need to get back to checking my BG levels as well, so from Monday I am going to make myself do it every morning and every night for a week.  It is too easy for me to avoid checking and then kidding myself everything must be alright when it probably is not.

I have been contemplating asking a cyber friend to do a guest post here about her diabetes journey, just so there is a different voice and a different perspective as everyone's journey is different.  Just have to get the courage to ask her I suppose, after all she can only say no but she might actually say yes and that would be great.

Health wise I have noticed I have started bruising more easily, especially when injecting my tummy. In fact the other day I had a major bleed under the skin, so I must have hit a small blood vessel.  The last time I did that it took over a month for the bruise to disappear which is a pain in the butt as it means that area is out of bounds until the bruise goes.  I also have a bruise from my latest blood test at the path lab, which is unusual as the lady that took it this time never usually bruises me.

Oh, and the red welts are definitely an allergic reaction of some type, as last week I took a couple of anti-histamines as my sinus were cruddy and the welts all disappeared overnight.  Must mention that to Tim when I see him next.

I did enjoy the beautiful full moon the other night, even opened the blinds so the moonlight could fall on the bed while I slept.  So while I don't necessarily feel a Lightness of Being at the moment, it is not Dark Side of the Moon either, so here is a shot of a gorgeous silver moon sailing across the night sky.

Thanks for popping by. xxx