Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Entry Number 24 - What's The Point?

I will forewarn you, this will be a Dark Side of the Moon post, it will also be somewhat painful to write.  I know it will be teary post, because my eyes are already brimming with tears.

What's The Point - of trying to eat well, of giving up Coke, of injecting myself twice daily?  Nothing it seems as my readings are going sky high again and now I will be on insulin.

What's The Point - of even trying at all, when this disease chews you up and spits you out like a piece of discarded waste?

What's The Point, well the point is I am trying to live without my feet being amputated, without going blind, without getting sicker and sicker.

But, shit, I am trying and it is not working.

I am still classed as uncontrolled, and too right I am, I am uncontrolled with frustration and anger.  I am really to smash something, but What's The Point?  It changes nothing.

My weight is already heading back up because I am off the arthritis medication that gave me constant diarrhoea, nearly 5kgs in 3 months, and I am trying to eat less and eat well, What's The Point ... it makes no difference at all.

So now, it is recommended I have a gastric sleeve operation, permanent surgery to reduce the amount I am eating, because NO ONE IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION BELIEVES ME!!

They all think I overeat, it's bloody obvious, they do that smile when I try and tell them, you know the one, the right She's Kidding Herself smile.

And just to sweeten the deal for me, now I am on insulin and that makes you put on weight.  BLOODY WIN WIN SITUATION THIS ISN'T.

But somehow I am supposed to smile and get on with my life.

So here is the Dark Moon, and it is likely it will be here for a while now.

And a side note to my Mum, please don't call me to talk about this, if and when I want to talk I will bring it up, I just need some time to sit with this.  Your support is always appreciated, and I love that you are there for me, but I need time to process this, please.


  1. Sucky, sucky, sucky.
    I really don't understand how you can do everything you have been told to do, and still fail. Or at least I do understand that but I DON'T understand why the medico's instantly assume you are lying. They must have come across these things before.
    And why, why, just when we have got over one challenge does another one come galloping up to the party. Unfair.
    Thank you for putting this up for us. As you know I am always in your corner. Hugs and love.

  2. Thanks EC, your support and love is always welcome and really appreciated. The medicos see a obese woman and automatically think she overeats. My hubby is beside himself as he has been trying so hard to cook Low GI and to serve up smaller portions for us both. We both basically eat the same thing and he is not overweight, in fact in the 35 years we have been married he has put on 5kgs - I have managed to do that in 3 months! My weight has been the same for the last 20 or so years, never going up or down by more than about 2 kgs until I lost 12 kgs with the arthritis meds. I am going to take hubby to the next specialist, maybe they will believe him!! I doubt it though. xxx

  3. Darling girl. Do you know, I had no idea this blog was here until today. I've never seen it on your sidebar!! Remedied now. Following.

    I have, in the past 3 months (after 12 years) managed to go from massive amounts of insulin (AND metformin - maximum dose) to no short acting insulin at all, and a reduced dose of controlled release.

    If you want to talk, let me know. I don't want to preach to you. I know how horrible that is. But if you're interested, we should talk. I was signed up for the surgery. No more.

    1. Loving to see you here Melissa, I have decided to wait till I get the appointment with the surgeon, then take hubby with me for moral support and talk it all through. I doubt I will sign up for the surgery, but he might convince me that even though I only eat 3 meals a day (mostly Low GI) plus my mid morning yoghurt with berries and a small snack, usually fruit before bed that this is still to much for my body. It's not to say I don't have bad meals sometimes and occasionally lash out and have really bad meals like pizza at the beach with my hubby every 3 months or so.

      I will make an informed choice before deciding which way to go. My frustration is that they only see the obese woman who is lying to herself rather than seeing me.

      Talk soon xxx

    2. I completely understand that. I've been living with it for 15 years now, so boy do I understand.

      If you ever want to, PM me on Facebook or email me at We can talk about what you're eating. I completely believe you. But I've learned a LOT in the past 3-4 months about which 'good' foods are actually good for ME. For my diabetes, my insulin resistance, my body. There are a lot of foods that are wonderful, that still spike my levels.

      Anyway, I'll leave that with you with no pressure or obligation. But if you do want to chat about it, I'm absolutely here for you. If there is anything, anything I can ever do to help, please let me.

  4. Tim was telling me about the surgery you mentioned and I asked how it could work if you only ate 3 meals a day and nearly always the correct foods and in the right amount. I put on 5kg when I went on insulin and Pop has put on about 8kg and for me my weight seems to have plateaued thank goodness. I am sure that our problem is out inability to exercise because of our arthritic problems. Unfortunately when you are on insulin you do have to eat regularly and sometimes I feel I would like to go the whole day without eating but you can't do that or you would die. I have had friends who admitted they eat a whole packet of biscuits or half a loaf of bread at a sitting and I think if I did that and stopped the weight would drop off me but I don't and never have done those things. I have never drunk cool drink in any quantity and none at all now and it is years since Pop and I used to have our block of chocolate on Saturday nights.
    Yes, you know you have my support and I am always here if you need me but I do not think that the surgery suggested would make much difference if you eat the correct foods and the right quantity. Remember though Pop and I do indulge occasionally and have the odd chocolate eclair or Chinese meal. Everything in moderation is all you can do and even then it seldom achieves the results we want.
    Love you and am so sad you are feeling so sad. xxxx

    1. Thanks Mum, the difference here is that given I am 23 years younger than you, I might not get to 80 if I don't have the surgery. Time will tell. Tim did say that I could even get of medications all together after the surgery, so that is something to think about I suppose.

      I am just angry with knowing that he did not believe me. xxx

    2. When you feel like talking about I would dearly love to know just what his comments were.

    3. Look, I won't lie. The surgery will almost certainly cure you of diabetes. Completely. As I've mentioned, I was signed up.

      My way is harder. It will take longer. And it won't cure your diabetes. It will control it though. Again, here if you want to talk. The last thing you need is unsolicited advice or 'lectures' (not that that's how I would intend it, but I so completely know that it feels like that).

    4. Thanks Lissa, I certainly don't want an easy way out, but I am worried that a huge change of diet has not helped very much at all. Love to know what you are doing though if you would like to share. xxx