Entry Number 13

For a long, long time I stuck my head in the sand and denied to myself that I would get diabetes.  The warning signs were all there, but it was all too hard.

It is still all too hard on many days, but I did end up with diabetes, and to have hindsight now is just not worth the effort.

When I first went to John, he felt that I was scared as I was being faced by my mortality, but I didn't think that was entirely right.  Sure I don't want to die, but then there are days when I honestly think, I can not do this for another 20 or 30 years, sometimes even another year or two seem too much.  I just don't have the strength.  I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not contemplating taking my life or anything like that.  But there are days when it is all too hard.  Of course there are lots of wonderful things to live for as well, and they are what keep me going.

When I saw John this week, I started talking about some of the things I have dealt with over the years. Some of the things put into boxes, tied up tight and that I thought I had dealt with.  As I started listing them out, John commented that he didn't think I was necessarily worried about my mortality.  That maybe he got that wrong (nice to think he can admit he could be wrong, I like that about him).  He now thought I just didn't have any more room to deal with any more things.  So I think that means I need to deal with some of the other crap I have buried in boxes in my soul, so that I can have the strength to deal with this HUGE life changing thing that is happening now.  Don't get me wrong, it is not as if I have had a shit life, but I have always taken on emotional burdens, always had a sense of having to try harder to please, to be the best all the time and then there is the normal family bits and pieces that bob up in your life.  I've got 57 years of that to talk about.

He must think the same thing because suddenly he was talking about a couple of more visits than he originally thought I would need.

But you see, it is scary to deal with things, things buried.  There is the possibility that they will have grown huge in the dark.  I suppose that there is also the possibility of them having shrunk, maybe I should focus on that instead.

Then there is the whole, I need to get this right mentality I seem to be having.  I know this is not a test, that talking to John is not about me telling him the things that he wants to hear, it is about telling him the things I don't want to share.  Or at least I think that's the right thing, it is not a test that I can fail, is it?

But you see I am scared.  Not scared because I am ashamed of anything, but scared that if I start crying I may never stop.  It is so much easier to just push things down, and then further down, rather than deal with them.  Why does life have to get so complicated?

Today has been a slow drift back to the Dark Side of the Moon, and you know, sometimes I seem to be quite comfortable there!  God knows what that says about me, and thankfully those days are few and far between.